L.A. square state transplants

So...square state transplants...I want to hear your story. Why did you come here? What were you expecting when you packed your U-Haul trailer, strapped those big-ass mirrors to the doors of your Taurus, and headed west with a tank full of gas and a head full of dreams, "business casual" attire including running shoes coordinating with every outfit pressed against your windows? I love you guys, I really do. You guys keep the L.A. dream alive, carrying on the tradition of many before you who have arrived via hitchiked Peterbilt, Greyhound bus, and of course Coach.

In case the rest of you don't know what a square state is, it's a state whose borders join at right angles, such as Colorado, Utah, the Dakotas, Kansas, Nebraska...you get the idea. States that don't border ocean. Los Angeles has long been a bastion of escape for people like Joan Oleander, whose family migrated from South Dakota. Joan was later christened Mamie Van Doren, and became the "other" Marylin, who was of course of a Hollywood native. We can't leave out Jayne Mansfield, the third of the three bombshells.
We can create anything here, even movie stars. But, as one of my friends said a few days ago, I'm the Sultan of Segue. Maybe that would be a good title for a book.

Anyway, I can always spot them when they arrive. They are wearing their business casual and running shoes. I've asked many about the running shoes and they always respond, "because they are comfortable." Or, they've religiously studied fashion magazines and are well-dressed, overcompensating with attitude. The former are my choice because neither is fooling anyone. Quickly, more often than not, both groups adopt the I'm in the CITY, I have to look HARD expression, which is ludicrous. This is L.A., the most casual of the large cities. If you do this trying to fit in, you're wearing a neon sign.

If you're horrified by strolling a block in Hollywood and hearing seven different languages, please return to Utah. You aren't going to change anything. And we hate you. The ones who make it here are easy to spot; embracing the most diverse city on the face of the earth, even moreso than Hong Kong. These people, we love. You guys try new food, learn a few words in different languages, and thrive here. You explore, learning your neighborhood and those beyond. You tell natives like me things about my city that I never knew.

One of the things that perplexes native Angelenos is the need for newbies to traverse the entire L.A. metro area every couple days. Also, they will take an apartment in Woodland Hills and get a job in Long Beach, a 90 minute drive in good traffic, hours during rush hour. We tell them, and they don't listen to us. and they do it anyway. And they bitch about traffic, saying it's ruining their life. DUH! Smart newbies listen to us and move close to their jobs. Like everything here, some newbies surprise everyone, moving into a downtown loft, securing a job they can walk to in ten minutes while others spend all their free time crawling up and down the 405 Freeway.

Neighborhood choice is interesting and natives have learned from transplants. Downtown was repopulated by mostly transplants. The natives refused to live down here. I'm one of the only ones who thought it was cool. Now it's cool to think downtown is cool. And the square staters were the ones who were mostly responsible for this. Thanks Mike and Molly Square State!

L.A. has long been a town where dreams come true. I think if people are realistic, they won't end up leaving bitter two years later, giving all of us the finger as they leave. It wasn't our fault they won a dance contest in Kansas City and decided to go on auditions a couple days a week hoping to become the next Madonna. I've said it a thousand times: If you want to make it to the top, you have to work at it like a rabid dog and be willing to do anything. Madonna did anything. Not everyone comes here for acting, and I always like to hear the stories of those who moved here to make their dreams, whatever they were, come true.

Los Angeles is also a refugee camp. But not the type you think. People who were persecuted in their square states for being gay, weird, or whatever find a place here. Protected in our bubble, we thrive. Three years ago I thought L.A. was getting rednecky until a trip to the Midwest screwed my head on straight again. I came home grateful.

So, if you're a recent transplant, please be nice to us. Respect our city. L.A. will give back whatever you put into it. It doesn't tolerate slackers and if you want to lay around, working a minimum wage job and expect to get by, Arkansas might be a better option. If you want to work your ass off, there's more opportunity than you could ever imagine.

If you decided to return home, as many of my friends have, we will miss you but genuinely want to see you happy. We've seen this many times before. Another Mike and Molly Square State will come in your place. They always have. Talk to you on Facebook. I'll visit you in South Dakota. Cough.