Breaking up in Los Angeles

L.A. is a different animal. In other parts of the country, people break up in person. They write dramatic letters, spray paint naughty words on the side of vehicles...things that take time. Angelenos just don't care that much.

We know this character from a previous post: Sally Squarestate comes to Los Angeles and meets the object of her desire; muscular, spray tanned Gil, transplanted ten years ago. Everything is fine until he starts dodging her, claiming he's "busy," or "something came up." She hears less and less from him until he stops calling. Should she go stalk him? No. Because he's broken up with her. You heard me.

How long do you wait? A week of Bill ignoring Sally is rude and demands some sort of severe punishment, like taking Gil's Mercedes SL away and forcing him to drive a Camaro. Two weeks means that unless he's in a coma or lost at sea, he's bailed on the relationship. Week three is when Sally should send the short closure email...and then immediately go fuck someone else. Yes, that's how we do it in the City of Angels. I've heard this expression time and time again, "fuck someone else, break the connection." I've always thought it was a good idea, far better than eating an entire German Chocolate Cake while singing "I Will Survive." That's an ugly mental picture. Ick.

Don't let week after week go by, calling and e-mailing. You're making a fool of yourself. He doesn't want you. Chances are, he's screwing someone else. He's been doing that prior to week one when the excuses started. Now listen closely, Sally Squarestate. You're in Los Angeles now. You will NOT stage dramatic scenes. You will not spray paint things on his car. You will not go out of the way to find out who "she" is, because it doesn't make any difference. For the sake of your pride, you must forego all this and find someone really, really hot to have sex with. It will make you feel better, I promise.

I have to mention the tacky people who break up by text. This is just wrong. They should at least have the decency to stop calling. In summary, when a guy stops calling, he's broken up with you. He doesn't have to say the words. You don't have to "formalize" it. Move on.