Craigslist Personals...how to meet flakes, liars, and freaks
We all love having friends...well, except for a few who don't. But that's another blog. In this one, rewind two weeks with me, and then we can gently stroll hand in hand through the minefield of losers and the occasional gem I've encountered.
Since I've been with the same guy i.e. not entertaining another guys sausage in almost 10 years, I'm not seeking sex. Or cuddling. Or "comfortable nudity." Call me a skeptic, but I have a feeling an erection or two may accompany the last activity.
But first...the premise...the "why." One afternoon, I really needed to go to lunch with someone. I flipped open my figurative Rolodex. And I couldn't find a single person to go to lunch with. I've covered this partially in a previous blog about internet isolation. Anyway, I realized everyone I knew had either moved back to their square state or I'd never actually met them in person...or had fallen off the face of the earth.
So, I placed a witty ad on Craigslist...in the "Platonic" section, featuring my qualities, interests and proclivities, albeit non-sexual. And nothing. I even posted a photo. Or two. Redoubling my efforts, I posted another, seeking someone to accompany me to the Aircraft Expo, as well as drive Porsches. $40,000,000 private jets and drive brand new Porsches on a runway? I got 2 responses. One was from "Joe," a 43 year-old gay daddy of two with another on the way, in a long-term relationship who lived in the the Hollywood Hills (or adjacent, never found out). His photo, taken from a great distance, appeared to be a nice looking Latino guy in a baseball stadium, wearing a baseball shirt. I figured he fit the bill so we confirmed and swapped a couple e-mails. Night before, I emailed to confirm and nothing. Morning of, a lame excuse, "sorry dude, an appointment slipped into my calendar." That's one of the lamest fucking excuses on the planet. I know, I've used it, and so has everyone else in L.A. I messaged my backup, who didn't answer. And I went alone, just the thing I tried to avoid.
Undaunted, I placed another ad. Here's a snippet: ...I will not watch you fuck your sweetie, nor will you watch me with mine. I won't nail your husband or wife, no matter how much money you offer me. I'm retired. I will not watch your home sex videos, nor will I make them for you. No nudie pics. I won't come over to your place and be "comfortably nude." I will not "cuddle" with you. No bathhouses. This also means no bondage, fisting or dildos.
I thought it was witty, and I got responses. The first was Joe the flake, making a lame joke about my referral to golden showers I made at the beginning of the ad. I was polite, instead of saying "why the fuck are you even contacting me?" The link to my blog is at the bottom of every email I send, so I assume everyone reads it. Grandiosity. Anyway, this netted a nice guy named Paul, a white guy artist in an 18-year relationship. We checked out art galleries in Chinatown last Saturday. It was nice to hang out with someone. We'll do it again. I'm talking to a guy named "Joe," who says he's a good looking, fit Asian guy into hiking/biking/dinner...a chill guy. So, we might hang out this Sunday after actually speaking (as in voices on a phone, not chat).
There are quite a few I answered, all saying they are looking for "friends." Judging from a li0n's share of the ads, we need a new category: Hang Out, Then Fuck. If we're just going to be friends, I don't need to know you're " 7 inches cut and mostly a top." I love the fem-bots saying they are masculine. One answered me, saying he was just seeking platonic friends. I found him to be a shallow, annoying bitch who stopped messaging me after I said ?? and placed more ads. Rejection makes me bitter. Oh well. And he wears more makeup than Tina Turner. And masculine. Cough. The last was a really cool blind guy, I played seeing-eye-person and we had a walk around Lake Hollywood. We'll probably do it again.
This whole experience made me call old friends, appreciating them and wanting to re-fire existing relationships I've had for years. Will any of these new friendships last? Who knows? I've made 2 friends from personal ads over the years, neither lasted. But I have faith. As far as the Craigslist "Platonic" flakes...you don't know what you're missing, because I'm a catch.
Since I've been with the same guy i.e. not entertaining another guys sausage in almost 10 years, I'm not seeking sex. Or cuddling. Or "comfortable nudity." Call me a skeptic, but I have a feeling an erection or two may accompany the last activity.
But first...the premise...the "why." One afternoon, I really needed to go to lunch with someone. I flipped open my figurative Rolodex. And I couldn't find a single person to go to lunch with. I've covered this partially in a previous blog about internet isolation. Anyway, I realized everyone I knew had either moved back to their square state or I'd never actually met them in person...or had fallen off the face of the earth.
So, I placed a witty ad on Craigslist...in the "Platonic" section, featuring my qualities, interests and proclivities, albeit non-sexual. And nothing. I even posted a photo. Or two. Redoubling my efforts, I posted another, seeking someone to accompany me to the Aircraft Expo, as well as drive Porsches. $40,000,000 private jets and drive brand new Porsches on a runway? I got 2 responses. One was from "Joe," a 43 year-old gay daddy of two with another on the way, in a long-term relationship who lived in the the Hollywood Hills (or adjacent, never found out). His photo, taken from a great distance, appeared to be a nice looking Latino guy in a baseball stadium, wearing a baseball shirt. I figured he fit the bill so we confirmed and swapped a couple e-mails. Night before, I emailed to confirm and nothing. Morning of, a lame excuse, "sorry dude, an appointment slipped into my calendar." That's one of the lamest fucking excuses on the planet. I know, I've used it, and so has everyone else in L.A. I messaged my backup, who didn't answer. And I went alone, just the thing I tried to avoid.
Undaunted, I placed another ad. Here's a snippet: ...I will not watch you fuck your sweetie, nor will you watch me with mine. I won't nail your husband or wife, no matter how much money you offer me. I'm retired. I will not watch your home sex videos, nor will I make them for you. No nudie pics. I won't come over to your place and be "comfortably nude." I will not "cuddle" with you. No bathhouses. This also means no bondage, fisting or dildos.
I thought it was witty, and I got responses. The first was Joe the flake, making a lame joke about my referral to golden showers I made at the beginning of the ad. I was polite, instead of saying "why the fuck are you even contacting me?" The link to my blog is at the bottom of every email I send, so I assume everyone reads it. Grandiosity. Anyway, this netted a nice guy named Paul, a white guy artist in an 18-year relationship. We checked out art galleries in Chinatown last Saturday. It was nice to hang out with someone. We'll do it again. I'm talking to a guy named "Joe," who says he's a good looking, fit Asian guy into hiking/biking/dinner...a chill guy. So, we might hang out this Sunday after actually speaking (as in voices on a phone, not chat).
There are quite a few I answered, all saying they are looking for "friends." Judging from a li0n's share of the ads, we need a new category: Hang Out, Then Fuck. If we're just going to be friends, I don't need to know you're " 7 inches cut and mostly a top." I love the fem-bots saying they are masculine. One answered me, saying he was just seeking platonic friends. I found him to be a shallow, annoying bitch who stopped messaging me after I said ?? and placed more ads. Rejection makes me bitter. Oh well. And he wears more makeup than Tina Turner. And masculine. Cough. The last was a really cool blind guy, I played seeing-eye-person and we had a walk around Lake Hollywood. We'll probably do it again.
This whole experience made me call old friends, appreciating them and wanting to re-fire existing relationships I've had for years. Will any of these new friendships last? Who knows? I've made 2 friends from personal ads over the years, neither lasted. But I have faith. As far as the Craigslist "Platonic" flakes...you don't know what you're missing, because I'm a catch.
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