Friendship in the Internet Age

My address book is so thin, I can't even use it for a coaster. Oh, I forgot, we don't use paper address books anymore. We certainly don't use the calfskin variety. Or at least I wouldn't. Now we use electronics. Shit, my phone died...there went all my numbers. It happened to me once, I haven't been the "I back up every time" kinda guy, even though I think rubbers are an awfully good idea. If you don't get the connection, we probably wouldn't make good friends. Especially if we met on the internet.

I miss my old-fashioned little black book. Rather than scrawl entries myself, I'd hand it to whomever the new entry into my life was. The result was a kaleidoscope of styles, colors and personalities. My friend Wendy wrote pink and flowery, the tiny dollop of a little heart in carefree ballpoint over the i in her last name. Kevin wrote two lines high in fine felt tip, the ego-centric entry of name, three phone numbers and two complete address hogging an entire page, which was left with inexplicable dirty smudges, like everything else in his life. I was once charged with drug possession for his bag of Tina. A subsequent urine test, after they'd arrested me in full 70's regalia as I'd been at a theme party  revealed only cocaine, but no methamphetamine in my system, and the D.A. dropped the charges. All this over a lousy $10 rock. My 2nd boyfriend's handwriting was military perfect, straight lines with perfect right angles (not surprising, he was a Marine), only his name and phone number as he was too far in the closet to reveal more. I was flattered, it was an upgrade from the dirty cocktail napkin he'd previously shoved into my pocket. Way into my pocket. He pressed so hard in my address book that his printing in the M's burrowed all the way to the O's. There were a couple drunken entries from bar and club friends, barely visible, and some names I'd never called, having no idea who they were. I was a social animal willing to befriend many. Not that way.

One time, my faux black alligator catalog of friends disappeared entirely. I was living pretty fast by then, and wondered if it hadn't been given to the police so they could conduct a series of raids. Down the road, only two of the people in my book remained my friends, so I threw it out when I graduated to lower companions and a huge daily planner. I began writing the names and numbers myself, entering them on the date I met them. I had my reasons.

Ahh, but now we have better things. No longer do I know anyone's physical address. Remember when we knew what all our friends handwriting looked like? Now, I mostly have no idea. I don't even know what town they live in. I know some live in the Valley and I know cross streets. West L.A. or Santa Monica? Who the fuck knows? Letters? What are those? I still have some of the aforementioned relics I've saved. We don't need them as we have e-mail. I was telling my husband last night how I met one guy I dated. Personal ads in the Recycler had a box assigned to each. You'd find your potential suitor and write a letter. Did I stutter? Yes, meeting someone required some thought, a few minutes, a stamp...more than just a click of a  mouse. Now of course, we have e-mail. I have a beautiful, velvet lined box filled with e-mails in my closet. Beautiful handwriting, all sorts of different envelopes, great stamps...NOT!

Fast forward to two-thousand-and-ten: We wear out our thumbs texting each other, sometimes while we're in the same room. Well, not "we." I would never. Except a few times. Just for shits and giggles. Last month and the month before, unbeknown to me, I exceeded my monthly allotment of 1000 texts. T-Mobile of course did not notify me, they just sent a bill twice the heft. Now, I won't have that problem as the bulk of my texts have been freed up. I'll get to that in a minute. Oh boy.

So, I texted an old, good friend yesterday. I was maudlin and full of self-pity, as I always am after a voluntary internet sabbatical, something I do periodically. It always brings up issues. i miss the 90's, I texted. what about them? he responded. I had to think about it. I missed clubs, my flat, tight stomach, my youthful exuberance, not being a jaded old whore...so what was it? Of course, I said to myself as it was beamed to me from on high. My answer: pre-internet society-actual conversations and looking each other in the eye-in person instead thumbs, or something like that. I then picked up the phone and called him. No answer. Oh well. I've known him since 90% of us didn't have internet or cell phones.

Early internet was so cute. Around 1998, we all ran out and got AOL. I have seven different personalities, said one frilly queen I knew. We all did. I was Wild8hrt, Xtweaker95...(ex-tweaker and my sobriety year) and several others. Dial-up connection was painfully slow and downloads sometimes took hours. We were slower people then. Getting "bumped" and not able to get back on was a blessing in disguise. Remember, the more people signed on, the slower the connection got. Blessed dial-up. I think 10 people still have it. In Hawaii, we had satellite high-speed for a while. When it rained (and it rains like a cow pissing on a flat rock in that part of the island), the signal would vanish.

So, I committed my first mis-text a little over a week ago. It was bad. Maybe devastating is the word. I have to tell you that the particular friend is not someone I met "in person." Everything about us is vastly different, except we both have library cards. Also, we have the homo/fag hag combo that binds our kind together. I won't bore you with the whole story, but I was (gasp hard) hanging out with her a couple weeks ago, in person. And we did it for several hours. So here's what...earlier that day, I made lunch for her. She told me she'd just eaten. That's 2 meals so far, not counting breakfast. An hour later she wanted to "have tea," something so girly I've never done it. She had sandwiches, I had a cup of fruit. Three meals in three hours. A while later, I told her I was hungry. She darted to a sit down Sushi restaurant, not giving a shit that I needed food and that I'm a vegetarian. I hadn't had anything since before she'd arrived at my place. She ordered sushi. Fuck my light headedness, SHE wanted the fucking sushi. At the 20 minute mark, I texted my husband. But I didn't text my husband. Uh-oh. 35 minutes after she'd ordered the aforementioned fucking sushi, we had an argument about it. Our first ever. So, there was a lot of sushi, which she proceeded to stuff into her face as we walked. 4 meals in 4 hours, again, not counting breakfast. There were a number of "I only care about me" acts she'd committed that day, but this was the capper. So, we went to King Taco and I ordered Mexican. As I fellated the bean and cheese burrito in the courtyard of the awe-inspiring Pasadena City Hall, we calmed down. Things were OK on the subway ride home, until we reached the 7th/Metro subway station downtown. For some reason, my text had been delayed. I know...you're dying to know what it was. Keep in mind, she's a heavy girl. No judgment, and I'm not skinny either. I was pissed that she was being selfish. She's also quite sensitive. OK, here it is: SHE'S BEEN EATING ALL FUCKING DAY! I felt really bad. I'd stuck the crowbar in her Achilles heel. A normal person might have said something like: Have you had a look in the mirror lately? You're not the skinniest thing in the world either. But she's sensitive, and a little broken, and needs to be handled gently. I didn't do that. Or maybe I tried and failed. First she was pissed, and then she was a beaten woman, cowering and crying. I knew then it was over. I apologized profusely, haven't heard from her since.

Regarding friendships on the internet, I see them as limited. Yes, I meet people in far-away lands that I wouldn't know. Some have made me smile, and a couple have been there when my world has gone to hell, and I treasure their (not-in-person) company. But when it comes to proposing in-person meetings with someone I've talked to for YEARS, almost everyone is so fucking terrified to actually make a real connection. And nobody is honest about it. I already have my 5-D friends (actually I don't taste them) taking up my time Facebooking and texting me. I really don't need more internet friends. Harsh? I'm a Sagittarius, we're known for being brutally honest. Do I feel this way all the time? Maybe not, but I do this week. I'm sick of sitting in the dark, alone, banging away on a keyboard for hours on end, trying to make a connection with people. Why don't I go out and meet people "outside?" That's my point. I have met a few friends off the internet. The problem with this is, the in-person chemistry, knowing if a person is your kind or not...isn't available. My internet based friendships typically don't last long, although this hasn't been the rule. I do have a couple people in my life who were internet friends and we met in person and clicked. I have a couple more that I'd love to meet if I ever make it to Ohio or Oregon. But no offense Anna and Jana, as much as I love you, I can't take you to lunch today. And that's my point.

So, my week off from the internet went like this: The first day or two, I'm antsy and dying to check my Facebook, MySpace, Perez Hilton, Craigslist for RX7's, and Twitter. About day 3, I settle in and start enjoying it, remembering all the things I used to do instead of...sitting in the dark alone, banging away on a keyboard. And then I start doing some of them. In 1997, it was easy to call someone and meet them for lunch. I'm not saying this is everyone, but many...had more time. I know people who were social and now spend hours of day on the internet, saying "I don't have time." Bullshit. Turn your webcam off, pull your pants up, put your dildo away, wash the lube off your hands and come hang out with me. Some argue, "I don't spend that much time on the internet..." Then why do you make love to your iPhone, all day, every day, day in and day out?

Now I'm going to sound even older. Many of the kids born knowing no other way gaze at the floor as I speak to them and have attention spans of a gnat...and terrible social skills. And fat. And translucent. Many don't agree with me, but I think the internet has made many of us antisocial, paranoid, overweight, flatulent isolationists.

I challenge you to shut your internet off for a week. Just do it. If you must work, limit it to that. Cut out all the fluff you do that sucks up your time. See what happens. I guarantee it will change you. I get riled up over this issue, and struggle with it, which makes me a hypocrite if you catch me on an off day. The simple answer is; sometimes I don't know what else to do. Many others don't either.

As for me, I've pledged to make an in-person friend this month. I blogged a couple months ago that I've wasted enough time on the internet to have attained 3 Bachelor's degrees. Yes, I figured it all out including study time. I actually cried and went through a period of mourning afterward. I wasted a huge chunk of my life. Now, I'm doing my best to remember how to live outside.  And hopefully my new friend won't text all the way through lunch. I'm taking a total stranger I met off Craigslist to an event on Thursday. Here goes...