Turning 50--What I Learned In My 40's

I was living in Las Vegas when I turned 30. It was a cold, dreary day and I didn't leave my sofa. I was depressed about the things I hadn't accomplished and felt like I had let life pass me by. Silly boy, I hadn't even started to live. At 30 I had been sober a little over 3 years and was still learning how to navigate my life and rebirth. My 30's were all about crawling out from under the specter of fear and developing enough self-confidence to go out and live. I really went for it professionally but hadn't learned balance and unfortunately overworked myself. My 30's brought grandiose dreams, furious activity, and a thirst for more money and more "stuff". I entered my 40's burned out and overweight.

For much of my life, I identified age 50 as the threshold of old age. Long ago in my druggie days, one of my connections who looked like the hooker version of Marcia Brady had an older "boyfriend" named Freddy. One day I asked her how old he was: "he's fucking 50". Now I'm fucking 50. In the movie The Grifters, John Cusack's character Roy tells his mother Lily (played by a sultry, peroxided Anjelica Huston) she's getting too old and needs to get off the grift...because how's it gonna be "when you're...crowning 50". The phrase "a 44 year-old battleaxe" somehow wedged it's way into my consciousness. No idea where I picked it up. At age 44, I dusted it off because I liked the way it sounded as I needed to be "hard". Thankfully that's over.

I'm a slow learner in some areas. No plans I made at 40 involving other people worked out, at least over the long haul. I learned the lesson that sooner or later, we all sleep alone. Thanks Cher. There was a period with a LOT of grief and loss in my mid-40's. In my humble opinion, these are the most difficult things we deal with as humans and unfortunately it's a universal part of our collective experience. Age 46 I was on a flight to London and for whatever reason pulled the emergency card out of the seat back and had a glance at sterile depictions of various dire situations. There's a saying in AA I've always hated: "It's a selfish program". I've taken hundreds of flights from the time I was a small child but for some reason, seeing the diagram of a woman placing the oxygen mask on herself before her baby prompted an epiphany: I can't make my sobriety contingent on anyone else's. Not only that, I can't place conditions on my happiness based on others. If someone leaves, dies, or drinks, I maintain my sobriety and pursue my dreams. I wish I had figured this out in my 20's. For me, maturity means having the courage and wisdom to do things on my own.

The biggest growth in my 40's was the gift of not giving a fuck. From childhood until the end of my 30's, I pursued friendships with brilliant bitches. You know them: cliquey, disapproving, caustic, sarcastic. For years, this is the way I operated: I would find the one person in the room who couldn't stand me and work my ass off to make them like me, blowing past those who already did. Once I was "in", it felt like a real accomplishment. Growing up I always wanted to be one of the cool kids. I moved a lot, so each time was starting over. This became a familiar pattern I carried almost to middle age. My moment of clarity was realizing I had people in my life who would never be supportive of who I really was. One of my best means of creative and professional self-destruction was to take my fledgling hopes and dreams to someone I knew would shoot them down--"here's my dream"--squish. I had a massive housecleaning and breathed a huge sigh of relief. I no longer want to convince anyone to like me. If they don't, fuck 'em. Today, honesty, a good sense of humor, and a good heart get you in the door. I vibe with those who love who I am and support what I do. I also (finally!) gave myself permission to kick the drama queens out of my life. What's left? A core group of real friends and a quality over quantity social life.

I'm in better shape (both physically and emotionally) at 50 than I was at 40. I have learned balance. I would love to have my 22 year-old waistline but the rest of me was a mess and I wouldn't go back for 10 million bucks. No more overworking myself, no more trading my time for material things purchased only to impress others. Regrets? At this point, I have one major regret and that's not staying in school. I promised my great-grandmother I would get a college degree. I have a new creative project, a new business venture (possibly two), and some new relationships in my life. I have learned the concept of "done for the day" when it comes to work. I also take breaks, have staycays, and little mini-vacations to avoid burnout.

The world is a different place than when I was young. In my 20's, there was no internet. So much information is now available, and the world moves at a much quicker pace. Sometimes I'm aware of it zooming around me and I just observe with no desire to match it's light speed. A big difference between young and middle-aged me is I now know what I don't know. How did I get away with the things I did when I was young? The universe now has me on a much narrower road. I'm still trying to figure things out that I probably should already know. The good news is I intuitively know how to handle things that used to baffle me. Old age is about having the "life hacks" you didn't have when you were younger. At 50, I'm a lot more open to the changing nature of the world than I was at 40.

My spirit feels light. Another gift of age is allowing myself to be imperfect--doing the opposite was exhausting. I no longer mortgage my happiness on the future, thinking "someday" a new job, new relationship, new neighborhood or being a certain weight will bring me happiness. I no longer seek approval from those who will never give it to me: the low self-esteem ship has sailed. Due to genetics, I'll probably live a long time so I hope I remain teachable. I don't want to be a day younger than I am. If I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be this: RELAX.