Couch Committment: Conservative Veteran Addict

I have a rule about taking on couch commitments: Unless the situation is exceptional, I don't. I've done it a few times since getting sober 22 years ago. The result has usually been people overstaying their welcome, followed by an uncomfortable exit. This was different.

M had 4 days off crystal meth, shivering in his shorts with no other clothes. He was hungry so I took him to Swingers diner and bought him a meal. I had initially said "no" to his request to stay at my place but after spending a couple hours with him, I decided the homeless former Marine was probably decent and told him he could crash at my place. He also asked me to help him find a drug rehab. Having recently broken my leg, I had moved into my living room, leaving my bedroom unused. Since I'm convalescing and working from home for the foreseeable future, I wasn't worried about him stealing from me. If he did, all he would get would be niche vintage items and old, cheap electronics.

M slept about 12 hours, waking up long enough to eat some oatmeal before crashing for another 23 hours. With the poison exiting his body, M felt sick, I kept an eye on him. He twitched and trembled and kicked in his sleep. It seems like only yesterday when I was the one  sick and crashing after a long run, almost unable to get out of bed for 3 days. I fed him bow-tie pasta and we chatted for a little bit before he crashed for another 23 hours. Initially, I wasn't worried about him causing problems as all he wanted to do was sleep.

After 3 days, he woke fairly lucid and immediately commenced listening to right-wing political podcasts. My first instinct was to tell him to shut it off or get out of my house, but decided anything to distract him from the phenomena of craving that was probably returning would be OK, at least for a little while. I offered headphones and he declined. I put on a war documentary--he watched, punctuating the program with random outbursts, railing against Democrats and liberals.

I practiced something I've learned in sobriety that has been essential to my well-being, we call it "the pause". I (mostly) don't react immediately, taking a few breaths, minutes, or hours before responding. Once he learned of my far-left political leanings, he immediately started making broad statements, painting me with the same brush as every other "lib". I'm a former Republican (30+ years ago) who believes country over party but he wasn't hearing it. He then pulled the covers over his head, returning to his comfort zone by locking himself in a self-imposed echo chamber to listen to more right-wing rants. He would periodically ask me questions, answering with "you've all been indoctrinated with..." or something similar before I had a chance to respond.

I was really, really uncomfortable but resisted the urge to throw M out of my place. Why? Because deep down, I knew M was a decent man. I wanted to know more about him so I gained his trust and told him I was willing to listen. In doing so, I learned a lot.

M was born in California, his parents were both from Puerto Rico. Growing up, he was athletic and masculine with the same kind of internalized homophobia many gay men have, relative to what a real man should be. I understood because it's something I struggled with for many years. He was well-educated, well-spoken, and had traveled extensively, living abroad in Europe for many years. After an up-close and personal experience on 9/11, he joined the military. M was already in his 30's, a late start for a military career but served for 11 years. As a gay man, he never experienced intimacy, having always been treated like a piece of meat or something to be conquered. Although I have been lucky (and sometimes unlucky) in love, I could identify. M had been a journalist, sometimes a contributor to various news broadcast. He left the military with crippling PTSD and became addicted to crystal meth.

M felt marginalized and disrespected. He believes Democrats love other countries more than our own, which is his primary reason for his allegiance to the far-right--he also believes the government should butt out of people's lives and just let us live. He asked "are you a patriot? Do you love your country?" He genuinely believed that as a Democrat, I couldn't possibly be a patriot. To keep him engaged, I refrained from using derogatory phrases when describing the president, referring to him by his given name. In short, he felt rejected by his society and gay men, all under the "liberal" umbrella in his mind.

My own reaction to conversations with M were unexpected. In listening to his ranting and raving, painting all people of my political affiliation with the same broad brush, I realized I had done the same thing. Watching him crawl under the covers with propaganda blasting from his phone, I realized I have been guilty of the same behavior. Over and over, he accused me of believing this or that because "all liberals do". On many subjects, this wasn't the case. I urged him to stay engaged with me instead of retreating to his propaganda when he became uncomfortable. I was willing to do it. In the end, I had a clear picture of M: he felt completely rejected and discarded. This was his solution to keep us from hurting him more. I doubt he realizes it.

Yesterday morning, M left for rehab. I woke him at dawn, gave him some money for public transportation, and sent him on his way. Trembling, he kept repeating "I want sobriety, I want sobriety." Tall, muscular, broad-shouldered, brilliant M: soldier, athlete--completely destroyed. The disease of addiction doesn't discriminate. Although I doubt his political leanings will change, I hope he realizes it was a liberal snowflake who took him in, fed him, and listened. As divided as we have become, I think the only solution is to actually speak to each other instead of just yelling and locking ourselves in our propaganda echo chambers. They are addictive and unhealthy. I'm grateful for meeting M, my spirit feels a little lighter.