21 Years Sober -- The Terror Barrier
"The only competition you will ever face is with your own ignorance" --Bob Proctor
Every year I write a blog on the anniversary of my sobriety, usually inspired a few days in advance. This year, I knew I had to write about this issue but it's been difficult to articulate. I will do my best.
My first memories are of the first parents I knew: my Great-Grandparents. Grandmother Maude had the soul of an adventuress. She was never bored and fell in love with every place she ever visited. I'm grateful she infused in me her sense of adventure. The term "free spirit" seems to pour in a deluge these days. I think what it really means is to find adventure wherever you go, in any kind of environment. My Great-Grandmother taught me how to do this and for that I am forever grateful to her. I don't remember her being afraid of anything. Every small town, city, stretch of countryside or island was a new opportunity to shop and mix with the locals. She had a gift for making friends quickly and appreciating the moment.
When I was 6, I went on a day cruise on a gorgeous double-masted, wooden sailboat with my mother and some of her friends. On the way back, we hit a terrifying storm, the kind not unusual for the north shore of Kauai. In the pitch black Hawaiian night, the boat was sideways in the water, beaten by huge waves, and people were down below throwing up. The captain didn't seem to know what he was doing; I was afraid we wouldn't make it back to Hanalei. The following year, the boat sank on the same trip. Thankfully, there were no casualties. Because of this, I never wanted to go on a sailboat again. About the same time, my grandmother's boyfriend took me up in his Cessna 150 and shut the engine off when we were over the Pacific Ocean. I decided no more small planes either. More on both of these and more in a minute.
I've been listening to a LOT of Bob Proctor this last year. He's been lecturing on Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich" since he was fairly young and he's now north of 80. He's also well known from "The Secret". This year I've been listening to him talk about ignorance, which he says starts with "I don't like", which a person says when they hit their terror barrier (the edge of their paradigm/s).. If I say "I don't like (x)" but I know nothing about x and have never done x, that's ignorance. Something about x makes me uncomfortable so I will remain in my comfort zone rather than venture into the uncomfortable and broaden my horizons.
Hardly a day goes by without hearing "I have a fear of...". Usually, it's a paradigm. Paradigms are instilled in us by mother/father/church/school/society and they are nearly impossible to change. To change a paradigm takes consistent, conscious effort (according to Mr. Proctor). I've been working hard to change some of mine. Basically, paradigms are self-limiting belief systems based on ignorance, which comes from fear.
One of my own colloquial observations is that young people today have a disproportionate fear of people, which is at odds with nature. Maybe it has something to do with electronic devices. I also don't believe they are challenged like my generation was. "That's too hard" didn't get us out of much. In 12-step recovery, we call "I don't like" contempt prior to investigation. One thing I heard over and over in my youth: "do something every day that scares you". I totally got it: I'd have to do this to grow, and I did. The other side of that fear is an addictive exhilaration.
So what did I learn this year? Don't fuck with people's terror barriers. I will worry about my own. A few years ago, I set out to conquer what I considered my own list of unreasonable fears. First was the fear of small planes. I'm more likely to die in a car crash on the way to the airport than I am in an airplane. First, I educated myself about how they worked, learning about glide ratio: planes don't just fall out of the sky when you shut the engine off, they will glide for a great distance. I forced myself to ride in them until I was comfortable. I ended up on many rides in small planes after this. The next was sailboats. I took sailing lessons and became certified to be the captain of one on the open sea. I realized my terror was based on a situation an irresponsible sailor got us into. My biggest fear was skydiving. I know that's not on everyone's list of musts, but because the thought of it terrified me so much, I made myself do it. Like crippling paradigms, the scariest part of skydiving was BEFORE I jumped. Once out of the plane, the exhilarating free-fall and then the gentle descent under a beautiful canopy were more of a reward than I anticipated. Before I did it, I only thought of how scary it was.
The biggest terror barriers aren't as obvious. For whatever reason, I've stayed within my professional comfort zone in Los Angeles which has put a cap on my income that's been a lot lower than I would like. This year, I have forced myself into "scary" situations, making myself do them over and over, day in and day out. Magically, more business is coming to me. It's not really magic, I'm changing a paradigm. Thankfully, I don't have the "money is evil" paradigm, just more like "I can only realistically make $----- and I can only realistically afford x kind of apartment and x kind of car." My paradigms are based on ignorance, my limits are only the ones I place on myself. Busting through those has been a bitch but I won't give up.
While my Great-Grandmother was alive, she never let me quit something because it was "too hard". She didn't baby me either, quite the opposite. She had little patience fear and crybabies, saying "are you a little titty baby?" I suppose some would wail child abuse at such an utterance but I didn't see it that way: it was a call to battle. I didn't appreciate her tough love as much then, but I do now. I also don't ever remember her saying "I can't afford", just "we'll buy that later." She encouraged me to dream big.
Maybe because of her, I have a hard time with those who have a gargantuan list of dislikes/fears and a tiny number of things they "like". Over the years, I have tried to broaden the horizons of such individuals and have recently decided that it's better to broaden my own, working on blowing the edges out of my own paradigms. I had a hard time writing this because I didn't want it to sound preachy--Bob Proctor's words about ignorance, fear and paradigms resonated with me on a deep level. The last few weeks, I have been doing some super-scary adulting, doing my damndest to break an extra stubborn paradigm. Bob Proctor says that most people live their whole lives without ever changing their paradigms.
I loved the character Auntie Mame because she was a like my Great-Grandmother, always showing me a new adventure. Maybe for my 22nd Sober Blog, I'll get to speak about how I conquered my paradigms, how I grew my business, increased my income, and lost the belief that I couldn't live like a king. Maybe if I didn't know any better, there would be an excuse but I do so there isn't one. I was lucky to have another grandma who was a world traveler. She was the first person I knew to go to Russia. She kept a map of all the places she'd been in her guest room. I vowed to go all the same places she'd gone and more one day, brushing the pins in the map with my index finger.
I want to acknowledge losing more loved ones to relapse this year; the disease is merciless. Maybe next year I can report that no one in my circle relapsed or died or remain in the horrors of active addiction. That would be awesome.
Every year I write a blog on the anniversary of my sobriety, usually inspired a few days in advance. This year, I knew I had to write about this issue but it's been difficult to articulate. I will do my best.
My first memories are of the first parents I knew: my Great-Grandparents. Grandmother Maude had the soul of an adventuress. She was never bored and fell in love with every place she ever visited. I'm grateful she infused in me her sense of adventure. The term "free spirit" seems to pour in a deluge these days. I think what it really means is to find adventure wherever you go, in any kind of environment. My Great-Grandmother taught me how to do this and for that I am forever grateful to her. I don't remember her being afraid of anything. Every small town, city, stretch of countryside or island was a new opportunity to shop and mix with the locals. She had a gift for making friends quickly and appreciating the moment.
When I was 6, I went on a day cruise on a gorgeous double-masted, wooden sailboat with my mother and some of her friends. On the way back, we hit a terrifying storm, the kind not unusual for the north shore of Kauai. In the pitch black Hawaiian night, the boat was sideways in the water, beaten by huge waves, and people were down below throwing up. The captain didn't seem to know what he was doing; I was afraid we wouldn't make it back to Hanalei. The following year, the boat sank on the same trip. Thankfully, there were no casualties. Because of this, I never wanted to go on a sailboat again. About the same time, my grandmother's boyfriend took me up in his Cessna 150 and shut the engine off when we were over the Pacific Ocean. I decided no more small planes either. More on both of these and more in a minute.
I've been listening to a LOT of Bob Proctor this last year. He's been lecturing on Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich" since he was fairly young and he's now north of 80. He's also well known from "The Secret". This year I've been listening to him talk about ignorance, which he says starts with "I don't like", which a person says when they hit their terror barrier (the edge of their paradigm/s).. If I say "I don't like (x)" but I know nothing about x and have never done x, that's ignorance. Something about x makes me uncomfortable so I will remain in my comfort zone rather than venture into the uncomfortable and broaden my horizons.
Hardly a day goes by without hearing "I have a fear of...". Usually, it's a paradigm. Paradigms are instilled in us by mother/father/church/school/society and they are nearly impossible to change. To change a paradigm takes consistent, conscious effort (according to Mr. Proctor). I've been working hard to change some of mine. Basically, paradigms are self-limiting belief systems based on ignorance, which comes from fear.
One of my own colloquial observations is that young people today have a disproportionate fear of people, which is at odds with nature. Maybe it has something to do with electronic devices. I also don't believe they are challenged like my generation was. "That's too hard" didn't get us out of much. In 12-step recovery, we call "I don't like" contempt prior to investigation. One thing I heard over and over in my youth: "do something every day that scares you". I totally got it: I'd have to do this to grow, and I did. The other side of that fear is an addictive exhilaration.
So what did I learn this year? Don't fuck with people's terror barriers. I will worry about my own. A few years ago, I set out to conquer what I considered my own list of unreasonable fears. First was the fear of small planes. I'm more likely to die in a car crash on the way to the airport than I am in an airplane. First, I educated myself about how they worked, learning about glide ratio: planes don't just fall out of the sky when you shut the engine off, they will glide for a great distance. I forced myself to ride in them until I was comfortable. I ended up on many rides in small planes after this. The next was sailboats. I took sailing lessons and became certified to be the captain of one on the open sea. I realized my terror was based on a situation an irresponsible sailor got us into. My biggest fear was skydiving. I know that's not on everyone's list of musts, but because the thought of it terrified me so much, I made myself do it. Like crippling paradigms, the scariest part of skydiving was BEFORE I jumped. Once out of the plane, the exhilarating free-fall and then the gentle descent under a beautiful canopy were more of a reward than I anticipated. Before I did it, I only thought of how scary it was.
The biggest terror barriers aren't as obvious. For whatever reason, I've stayed within my professional comfort zone in Los Angeles which has put a cap on my income that's been a lot lower than I would like. This year, I have forced myself into "scary" situations, making myself do them over and over, day in and day out. Magically, more business is coming to me. It's not really magic, I'm changing a paradigm. Thankfully, I don't have the "money is evil" paradigm, just more like "I can only realistically make $----- and I can only realistically afford x kind of apartment and x kind of car." My paradigms are based on ignorance, my limits are only the ones I place on myself. Busting through those has been a bitch but I won't give up.
While my Great-Grandmother was alive, she never let me quit something because it was "too hard". She didn't baby me either, quite the opposite. She had little patience fear and crybabies, saying "are you a little titty baby?" I suppose some would wail child abuse at such an utterance but I didn't see it that way: it was a call to battle. I didn't appreciate her tough love as much then, but I do now. I also don't ever remember her saying "I can't afford", just "we'll buy that later." She encouraged me to dream big.
Maybe because of her, I have a hard time with those who have a gargantuan list of dislikes/fears and a tiny number of things they "like". Over the years, I have tried to broaden the horizons of such individuals and have recently decided that it's better to broaden my own, working on blowing the edges out of my own paradigms. I had a hard time writing this because I didn't want it to sound preachy--Bob Proctor's words about ignorance, fear and paradigms resonated with me on a deep level. The last few weeks, I have been doing some super-scary adulting, doing my damndest to break an extra stubborn paradigm. Bob Proctor says that most people live their whole lives without ever changing their paradigms.
I loved the character Auntie Mame because she was a like my Great-Grandmother, always showing me a new adventure. Maybe for my 22nd Sober Blog, I'll get to speak about how I conquered my paradigms, how I grew my business, increased my income, and lost the belief that I couldn't live like a king. Maybe if I didn't know any better, there would be an excuse but I do so there isn't one. I was lucky to have another grandma who was a world traveler. She was the first person I knew to go to Russia. She kept a map of all the places she'd been in her guest room. I vowed to go all the same places she'd gone and more one day, brushing the pins in the map with my index finger.
I want to acknowledge losing more loved ones to relapse this year; the disease is merciless. Maybe next year I can report that no one in my circle relapsed or died or remain in the horrors of active addiction. That would be awesome.
Congrats on your 21st birthday **hugs** You are amazing. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Laurie!
ReplyDelete