How to Avoid Dating Psychopaths
He showed up at the perfect time, said the perfect thing, and in the blink of an eye, he was the center of your life. He was so sweet, so attentive, so complimentary, a dream come true. He was exactly what you needed--in a snap, you were his. I've had 2 sociopath/psychopaths sweep me off my feet and then ruin my life. I met the first at 24, the second at 28. I don't talk about them much but if I must, I refer to them as Fuckhead #1 and Fuckhead #2. I abhor making the same
mistake twice but that's what it took.
A primo socio/psycho spots it's mark like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti and comes up with the PERFECT line to snag you. Clues you've got one: that immediate, sugary shower of attention, he says all the right things...and everything moves VERY quickly. You think it's too good to be true but dismiss any doubts because it feels so good. Like a cocaine high, it feels so amazing while you're in it, you don't want to think of anything else. Sociopaths are chameleons who have instincts of headhunters. How was such a worldly person like me duped so easily? I was wounded and needed someone to love me, plus I had a serious mental disorder that left me in a weakened condition. The second time around, I knew early on what I'd gotten myself into and at that point, it was like plunging a syringe into my arm. See my previous blog "Sober and Bipolar" for the mental health component.
The difference between psychopath and sociopath: psychopaths are born that way, sociopaths are usually the result of some sort of trauma. Sociopaths are typically less educated, committing unorganized acts, living on the fringes of society. Psychopaths operate so well they may go undetected for a long time. They are generally meticulous and patient, seeing their victims as objects for their entertainment. Sociopaths will often "appear" disturbed, psychopaths often look "normal".
Fuckhead #1 showed up at the perfect moment, said the perfect thing, and I convinced myself he was "the one". He could "save" me. He bought me gifts, paid for things and swept me off my feet. The level of attention he showered me with was unprecedented. I was the center of his world, and then one day he just shut it off. I spent my waking hours trying to get him to turn "it" back on. I missed "the way he was" and wanted everything back like it was "before". He slowly revealed his true face to me. He said he loved me but seemed to loathe me. Violence, infidelity, lies, stalking...ah, the memories. He knew the carrot to dangle in front of my face and kept me chasing it, because that's what sociopaths do. He'd volunteer for charities for developmentally disabled children yet had no deep social connections. He was a loner and a perpetual traveler which attracted me. Now when I meet people with no real social connections, my sociopath-dar usually goes off. In the end, he wanted to isolate and possess me. Then destroy me. Why did he have such a deep-seated hatred for humanity? I think it was going to war and killing people.
I met Fuckhead#2 at 28. I hadn't recovered from Fuckhead #1. I needed someone to heal my broken heart, be my knight in shining armor and all that shit. Welcome to fantasy land, here's your psychopath. I have a theory that if left untreated, addiction to psychopaths is progressive, each one worse than the last. To fool us, they must be increasingly craftier to snag us.
When I met Fuckhead #2, I'd made considerable strides in recovering from substance abuse. At 2 years sober, I'd peeled off the weight I'd gained when I cleaned up and my self-confidence had increased enough to go to clubs again. But I was also suffering from Bipolar mania that was a ticking time bomb. This altered my perception of the world and gave him the exact point of entry. Warning: if your previous relationships have been with psychopaths, you've done no work on yourself to change, and the dick fairy suddenly coughs up the perfect man, it might be a good idea to run like hell.
Fuckhead #2 took charge, a tour guide of the world. He regaled me with extravagant stories to the point I felt I hadn't lived. He put me on a pedestal. He was romantic. He paid for everything. He then put forth a sales pitch to a new life. It would be OK moving away (he said) because he had a big family and they were very close, something I'd been missing in my life. I swallowed his sales pitch whole. Without hesitation, I quit my job, gave up my apartment and moved to a square state with Fuckhead #2 (a psychopath) after we'd been dating for only 3 months. I realized soon afterwards that I'd willingly thrown my life (that I'd worked hard to rebuild) away with both hands. In one fell swoop, he'd "possessed" me and removed me from my friends and loved ones. Psychopaths want to isolate us so they can possess us completely, away from the outside influences of friends and loved ones.
I don't think it took a week of living with him before the cold, hard truth hit me right between the eyes. Did I leave? No, I dug deeper into my world of delusion and fantasy. Also, spooling up a relationship with a psychopath is enough to spin a Bipolar in need of treatment out of control. After knowing a psychopath for a little while, you'll discover their lack of social connections. His "close family" was all a sham. These were sick fucking people. Deep, long time friendships didn't exist. When I scratched under the surface, his "good friends" were people who were sexually attracted to him. Sociopaths don't connect to their community, although some of the really good psychopaths can fake it. "It's you and me against the world," he said. They don't have these connections because they aren't capable of loving anyone and destroy anyone who gets close to them.Was Fuckhead #2 a sociopath or a psychopath? He planned things out in a cold, methodical manner but I think his brother dying in his arms when he was 17 was what did him in. Plus his family were horrible people.
I exchanged my previous condo in hell for a much larger one. All the horrors of before except this guy was much more charming and convincing. On top of everything else, he set out to ruin every relationship I had with another human, be it work or personal. Due to my mental illness, I had no fight or concept of "normal".
It took a long time to heal from Fuckhead #2 who actually died 2/2015 of AIDS and AIDS related Lymphyoma. Although it had been many years, I felt relief as I no longer had to look over my shoulder. What an easy mark I had been. Just under my skin was desperation that sounded like "a man, a man, a man..." I had low self-esteem and was terrified of being alone. I needed a tour guide for the world. I needed an escort. I needed "someone". I needed permission. Nature abhors a vacuum and coughed up the psychos I needed.
After Fuckhead #2, I took a break from dating (almost a year) and worked on myself. Treating my Bipolar Disorder with medication was only the start. Once my biology was evened out and sanity returned, I grew self-esteem and independence. I learned how to be the captain of my own ship, developed my own interests, made more friends. I became a whole person. There was no more "...a man, a man..." desperation. I could be alone in complete and total peace. I was OK with ME. Now I smell these creeps coming from 5000 miles. What's more, I don't attract them. AT ALL. I am no longer a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti. I'm writing this because people keep asking me "why do I keep meeting men like this?" The answer is simple: wounded gazelle. My greatest moment of clarity on this subject was knowing I would have to do a severe amount of work on myself to stop attracting these assholes. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Bottom line: if he's too good to be true, he probably is. Remember: He snags you with one line, comes on incredibly strong, everything happens incredibly fast, then he isolates you, takes control of your life, and puts your head on his wall.
A primo socio/psycho spots it's mark like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti and comes up with the PERFECT line to snag you. Clues you've got one: that immediate, sugary shower of attention, he says all the right things...and everything moves VERY quickly. You think it's too good to be true but dismiss any doubts because it feels so good. Like a cocaine high, it feels so amazing while you're in it, you don't want to think of anything else. Sociopaths are chameleons who have instincts of headhunters. How was such a worldly person like me duped so easily? I was wounded and needed someone to love me, plus I had a serious mental disorder that left me in a weakened condition. The second time around, I knew early on what I'd gotten myself into and at that point, it was like plunging a syringe into my arm. See my previous blog "Sober and Bipolar" for the mental health component.
The difference between psychopath and sociopath: psychopaths are born that way, sociopaths are usually the result of some sort of trauma. Sociopaths are typically less educated, committing unorganized acts, living on the fringes of society. Psychopaths operate so well they may go undetected for a long time. They are generally meticulous and patient, seeing their victims as objects for their entertainment. Sociopaths will often "appear" disturbed, psychopaths often look "normal".
Fuckhead #1 showed up at the perfect moment, said the perfect thing, and I convinced myself he was "the one". He could "save" me. He bought me gifts, paid for things and swept me off my feet. The level of attention he showered me with was unprecedented. I was the center of his world, and then one day he just shut it off. I spent my waking hours trying to get him to turn "it" back on. I missed "the way he was" and wanted everything back like it was "before". He slowly revealed his true face to me. He said he loved me but seemed to loathe me. Violence, infidelity, lies, stalking...ah, the memories. He knew the carrot to dangle in front of my face and kept me chasing it, because that's what sociopaths do. He'd volunteer for charities for developmentally disabled children yet had no deep social connections. He was a loner and a perpetual traveler which attracted me. Now when I meet people with no real social connections, my sociopath-dar usually goes off. In the end, he wanted to isolate and possess me. Then destroy me. Why did he have such a deep-seated hatred for humanity? I think it was going to war and killing people.
I met Fuckhead#2 at 28. I hadn't recovered from Fuckhead #1. I needed someone to heal my broken heart, be my knight in shining armor and all that shit. Welcome to fantasy land, here's your psychopath. I have a theory that if left untreated, addiction to psychopaths is progressive, each one worse than the last. To fool us, they must be increasingly craftier to snag us.
When I met Fuckhead #2, I'd made considerable strides in recovering from substance abuse. At 2 years sober, I'd peeled off the weight I'd gained when I cleaned up and my self-confidence had increased enough to go to clubs again. But I was also suffering from Bipolar mania that was a ticking time bomb. This altered my perception of the world and gave him the exact point of entry. Warning: if your previous relationships have been with psychopaths, you've done no work on yourself to change, and the dick fairy suddenly coughs up the perfect man, it might be a good idea to run like hell.
Fuckhead #2 took charge, a tour guide of the world. He regaled me with extravagant stories to the point I felt I hadn't lived. He put me on a pedestal. He was romantic. He paid for everything. He then put forth a sales pitch to a new life. It would be OK moving away (he said) because he had a big family and they were very close, something I'd been missing in my life. I swallowed his sales pitch whole. Without hesitation, I quit my job, gave up my apartment and moved to a square state with Fuckhead #2 (a psychopath) after we'd been dating for only 3 months. I realized soon afterwards that I'd willingly thrown my life (that I'd worked hard to rebuild) away with both hands. In one fell swoop, he'd "possessed" me and removed me from my friends and loved ones. Psychopaths want to isolate us so they can possess us completely, away from the outside influences of friends and loved ones.
I don't think it took a week of living with him before the cold, hard truth hit me right between the eyes. Did I leave? No, I dug deeper into my world of delusion and fantasy. Also, spooling up a relationship with a psychopath is enough to spin a Bipolar in need of treatment out of control. After knowing a psychopath for a little while, you'll discover their lack of social connections. His "close family" was all a sham. These were sick fucking people. Deep, long time friendships didn't exist. When I scratched under the surface, his "good friends" were people who were sexually attracted to him. Sociopaths don't connect to their community, although some of the really good psychopaths can fake it. "It's you and me against the world," he said. They don't have these connections because they aren't capable of loving anyone and destroy anyone who gets close to them.Was Fuckhead #2 a sociopath or a psychopath? He planned things out in a cold, methodical manner but I think his brother dying in his arms when he was 17 was what did him in. Plus his family were horrible people.
I exchanged my previous condo in hell for a much larger one. All the horrors of before except this guy was much more charming and convincing. On top of everything else, he set out to ruin every relationship I had with another human, be it work or personal. Due to my mental illness, I had no fight or concept of "normal".
It took a long time to heal from Fuckhead #2 who actually died 2/2015 of AIDS and AIDS related Lymphyoma. Although it had been many years, I felt relief as I no longer had to look over my shoulder. What an easy mark I had been. Just under my skin was desperation that sounded like "a man, a man, a man..." I had low self-esteem and was terrified of being alone. I needed a tour guide for the world. I needed an escort. I needed "someone". I needed permission. Nature abhors a vacuum and coughed up the psychos I needed.
After Fuckhead #2, I took a break from dating (almost a year) and worked on myself. Treating my Bipolar Disorder with medication was only the start. Once my biology was evened out and sanity returned, I grew self-esteem and independence. I learned how to be the captain of my own ship, developed my own interests, made more friends. I became a whole person. There was no more "...a man, a man..." desperation. I could be alone in complete and total peace. I was OK with ME. Now I smell these creeps coming from 5000 miles. What's more, I don't attract them. AT ALL. I am no longer a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti. I'm writing this because people keep asking me "why do I keep meeting men like this?" The answer is simple: wounded gazelle. My greatest moment of clarity on this subject was knowing I would have to do a severe amount of work on myself to stop attracting these assholes. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Bottom line: if he's too good to be true, he probably is. Remember: He snags you with one line, comes on incredibly strong, everything happens incredibly fast, then he isolates you, takes control of your life, and puts your head on his wall.
Magnificently written, Jeremy. You're showing the sawtooth edge, and dude, it's what we need. SD
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it, thanks for the kind words.
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