Cheating On The Future--The Unspoken Delusion
I've spoken to a couple people at the end of their lives who told me one of their biggest regrets was spending so much time waiting for something to happen, not enjoying where they were. Since I'm perfect, I've never done this. OK, bullshit--of course I have. The delusion goes like this: "I hate it here. When I move to Baltimore, everything will be better." This also goes for jobs, relationships, having a bigger car, bigger house, ad nauseum. This is insidious and will kick us into lymbo and perpetual mild (or worse) misery.
It starts when we make a conscious decision to be miserable in our current circumstances. Why would anyone do this? Because we don't realize we're doing it. We believe that things will be better when our dream comes true and in this moment, we stop living in the present. The second we do this, we begin to attract like-minded, miserable individuals in the same boat we are. If we hate our zip code, we find others who feel the same way. These people are easy to spot: "everyone I know hates living here" or "everyone I know hates working here". Blaming the situation is also convenient because it lifts the responsibility from our shoulders.
As we settle into the holding pattern, we settle into detesting our present. We have to do this, our future would never forgive us if we enjoyed our present circumstances. We've stepped out of the vortex. We've surrendered our lives without realizing it. Positive, happy people and the opportunities that surround them begin to avoid us. Water and people seek their own level. The reward for not cheating on our future by being happy with our present is indisious, low-level depression and misery.
One element of this phenomena is contempt prior to investigation. If I make a major life change and decide I hate it a couple days into my new life, WHAM! The door of opportunity slams. I'm like a bratty kid at Christmas who peeled back the corner of the wrapping paper, whining I hate what's inside the box.
I think the saddest, most pathetic example is a person waiting for their married lover to leave their spouse, waiting for the day when everybody finds out. It might be easy to point fingers but the other examples aren't much better. Me living in a great zipcode but deciding I wouldn't be happy until I lived in another wasn't any better and it nearly killed me. I gained a great deal of weight, became a workaholic, developed Type II Diabetes and high blood pressure...and changed the course of my life without even realizing it. I put on blinders to my (then) present circumstances that prevented me from stopping to smell the roses, something I've always done. I was surrounded by great people, opportunities and beauty but was ungrateful and enjoyed none of it.
How do we avoid this? I'm fortunate 12-step recovery brainwashed me with the concept of gratitude. Even so, I've had lapses. For the record, I finally got my "geographic". I thought it would instantly cure me but it didn't because the problem wasn't the zip code where I lived, the problem was staring me in the mirror. I mourn the time I lost waiting for something better and it wasn't the first time. My lapses from being grateful and living in the present are unfortunately numerous. In this specific case, I (mostly) threw 4 years of happiness away.
A big element of this is escapism. We may get wrapped up in destructive behaviors. We will absolutely spend time dreaming about what our future fantasy life will be like once we've moved/have a new job/new relationship or whatever it is we believe is better than what we have now. The problem stares us in the mirror every morning but we don't see it. Beauty and opportunity also stare us in the face but we don't see them because we're lost in the fog.
The first thing I do every day is write 3 pages in my journal to align myself and get the craziness out where I can see it. If I'm feeling ungrateful, I write a gratitude list of 20, 50 or 100 things, down to my toothbrush and running water. Life is too precious to be lived on the layaway plan. Getting out of where I was and enjoying my present started with little things such as walking a different direction and discovering a new coffee shop and doing things regularly that scare me. Happiness is between me and my reflection and that applies to whatever zip code I'm in, wherever I work and whoever is sleeping next to me.
Three years ago my sailing lessons culminated in being certified to take a sailboat out on the open sea. When I was a kid, I went on a terrifying sailing trip in a storm on the north shore of Kauai that made me never want to sail again. The gorgeous twin-masted sailing yacht subsequently sunk on the same trip a couple years later. I decided to walk through fear by being captain of my own ship. One day sailing in the fog, I learned that the tiniest correction could put my boat on the right course or get me completely lost. When we're lost, tiny course corrections can get us back on the right path.
I've learned to love what I have today or my life isn't worth shit. Today is all we have. I can't mourn the past and the years I wasted sneering at or not seeing what was right in front of me. We have a saying in AA: "If you have one foot in the past and another one in the future, you're pissing on the present."
It starts when we make a conscious decision to be miserable in our current circumstances. Why would anyone do this? Because we don't realize we're doing it. We believe that things will be better when our dream comes true and in this moment, we stop living in the present. The second we do this, we begin to attract like-minded, miserable individuals in the same boat we are. If we hate our zip code, we find others who feel the same way. These people are easy to spot: "everyone I know hates living here" or "everyone I know hates working here". Blaming the situation is also convenient because it lifts the responsibility from our shoulders.
As we settle into the holding pattern, we settle into detesting our present. We have to do this, our future would never forgive us if we enjoyed our present circumstances. We've stepped out of the vortex. We've surrendered our lives without realizing it. Positive, happy people and the opportunities that surround them begin to avoid us. Water and people seek their own level. The reward for not cheating on our future by being happy with our present is indisious, low-level depression and misery.
One element of this phenomena is contempt prior to investigation. If I make a major life change and decide I hate it a couple days into my new life, WHAM! The door of opportunity slams. I'm like a bratty kid at Christmas who peeled back the corner of the wrapping paper, whining I hate what's inside the box.
I think the saddest, most pathetic example is a person waiting for their married lover to leave their spouse, waiting for the day when everybody finds out. It might be easy to point fingers but the other examples aren't much better. Me living in a great zipcode but deciding I wouldn't be happy until I lived in another wasn't any better and it nearly killed me. I gained a great deal of weight, became a workaholic, developed Type II Diabetes and high blood pressure...and changed the course of my life without even realizing it. I put on blinders to my (then) present circumstances that prevented me from stopping to smell the roses, something I've always done. I was surrounded by great people, opportunities and beauty but was ungrateful and enjoyed none of it.
How do we avoid this? I'm fortunate 12-step recovery brainwashed me with the concept of gratitude. Even so, I've had lapses. For the record, I finally got my "geographic". I thought it would instantly cure me but it didn't because the problem wasn't the zip code where I lived, the problem was staring me in the mirror. I mourn the time I lost waiting for something better and it wasn't the first time. My lapses from being grateful and living in the present are unfortunately numerous. In this specific case, I (mostly) threw 4 years of happiness away.
A big element of this is escapism. We may get wrapped up in destructive behaviors. We will absolutely spend time dreaming about what our future fantasy life will be like once we've moved/have a new job/new relationship or whatever it is we believe is better than what we have now. The problem stares us in the mirror every morning but we don't see it. Beauty and opportunity also stare us in the face but we don't see them because we're lost in the fog.
The first thing I do every day is write 3 pages in my journal to align myself and get the craziness out where I can see it. If I'm feeling ungrateful, I write a gratitude list of 20, 50 or 100 things, down to my toothbrush and running water. Life is too precious to be lived on the layaway plan. Getting out of where I was and enjoying my present started with little things such as walking a different direction and discovering a new coffee shop and doing things regularly that scare me. Happiness is between me and my reflection and that applies to whatever zip code I'm in, wherever I work and whoever is sleeping next to me.
Three years ago my sailing lessons culminated in being certified to take a sailboat out on the open sea. When I was a kid, I went on a terrifying sailing trip in a storm on the north shore of Kauai that made me never want to sail again. The gorgeous twin-masted sailing yacht subsequently sunk on the same trip a couple years later. I decided to walk through fear by being captain of my own ship. One day sailing in the fog, I learned that the tiniest correction could put my boat on the right course or get me completely lost. When we're lost, tiny course corrections can get us back on the right path.
I've learned to love what I have today or my life isn't worth shit. Today is all we have. I can't mourn the past and the years I wasted sneering at or not seeing what was right in front of me. We have a saying in AA: "If you have one foot in the past and another one in the future, you're pissing on the present."
I really enjoyed reading this enlightened perspective. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteThank you Alan! I KNOW you don't have a problem with this one. You have a contagious positive attitude.
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