Annual Sobriety Blog (19 years): Enablers
Every year at the stroke of midnight, September 14, I get a different feeling. Some years it's accomplishment, last year it was relief because it had been the roughest year of my sobriety. This year at midnight was a familiar acknowledgement--and then sadness. The sadness comes because of loved ones who won't call or text just after midnight because they have relapsed or they're dead. Someone said "it's lonely at the top," but I wouldn't call this the "top." I just stuck around. Of all the people I've called close friends and loved ones in recovery since I got sober, only 1 is still around. Every last one of the others either lost their sobriety and haven't come back or they're dead. Sometimes I feel like the only house in the village the lava flow didn't comsume. Years ago, people placed bets on who would be here and who wouldn't years down the road. I used to stand at the entrance of an AA hall with 2 friends, swapping guesses of how long a newcomer would stay sober. "A week." "A month." One of those friends died and the other lost sobriety and sanity. I stayed sober despite many predictions to the contrary. What are the benefits of sobriety? I'll get to that--but first the enablers.
Tonight was a garden variety stroll. We navigated a cloud of crack cocaine smoke eminating from a residentially challenged gentleman sprawled on the sidewalk near the Capitol Records Building, his eyes like black basketballs, dirty feet with no shoes, his clothes barely clinging to him. But he had drugs. I was craving a Big Gulp of Diet Mountain Dew so we headed to 7-Elleven. It was 2am and 3 young suburban looking black guys wanted booze. As they were a minute or 2 past the deadline, they gave it an "oh well" and left. Their lack of attachment to the situation told me they weren't serious drinkers, or alcoholics for that matter. We pressed on, down to Sunset and Vine. 3 young Middle-Eastern guys were standing in front of the Cinerama Dome, obviously stoned out of their minds. They were past the point of everything being funny, laughing constantly. The looked like USC students having a fun night out. As we headed back up the hill towards Hollywood Boulevard, I saw a nice looking young white guy in his early 20's urinating in the shadows, his friends waiting for him. They all stuffed themselves into an UBER minivan, a wise choice as they were all drunk, a couple of them a drink or two away from being truly messy. They'd likely wake hung over but no further damage.
Another group captured my attention. One of the boys looked just like me at 24; the strut, the blond surfer shag, spewing drunken, pseudo-intellectual bullshit. He was a snapshot in time, me 10 minutes before it all stopped working. He had his friends, his looks, his life. I hope he makes better choices than I did. As we rounded the corner onto Hollywood Boulevard, a couple dozen hosebags, wobbling down the Walk of Fame on their 8-inch platform heels, displaying everything they had in plunging necklines and sparkly rubber-band skirts. Amazingly, hardly any of these drunken harlots ever fall. And no, they aren't prostitutes (well, most of them aren't), they just dress like they are. Occasionally one will drop something, bend over to pick it up and well, you can see China.
Then I spotted her. A diminutive white girl without shoes, a nice looking tramp dress that actually terminated several inches below her crotch and covered her breasts, no shoes. To the untrained eye, she was extremely intoxicated but that wasn't the story. The girl was on heroin. How do I know? Just trust me, I know. She was flanked by enablers: her bestie on one side, her imposing black boyfriend who was built like a body guard lovingly propping her up. I looked at them, wondering how many times they'd done this routine, shielding her from harm, hiding her sins from the world. How do I know they were enablers? The same way I know she was on heroin.
Enablers are easy to spot, usually hovering just over the shoulder of the addict. At first glance, they may appear to be saints. Martyrs. People often say "wow, I don't know how s/he has put up with it all these years." What most people don't realize is that the enabler (or Al-Anon) is just as sick as the addict. They are emeshed in the addict's life, involved in every major decision, usually attached to a specific outcome. The enabler is always there, hovering, waiting to run interference and be the hero, micromanaging their life as much as possible.How do I know so much about enablers? I have enabled and I have been enabled and my life was unmanagable in both cases.
Enabling an addict allows him to hurt many more people and to continue to dig his own grave.Allowed to hit a natural bottom, many an addict has a moment of clarity and is allowed to get sober.
Doesn't the enabler want the addict to get sober? Short answer--no. If the addict gets better, the enabler is out of a job. I've seen enablers drag many a reticent alcoholic or addict to 12-step meetings, only to complain when their addict is at meetings, fellowship or working with their sponsor. They should rejoice, right? The enabler, feeling of grief and loss will often tell the addict "I liked you better drunk." Of course they did, they were in control.
What else does an enabler get from doing this? It's their identity. They get accolades from others. They are the hero. And it gets them high. Gets them HIGH? Yep. Addicts are really good at going out to the "edge." Enablers use addicts to take them there. For the addict, alcohol, dope, sex, gambling or whatever is what gets them high. For the enabler, the addict gets them high.
Are enablers evil? Usually no, but they have been some of the most cunning, vicious creatures I've ever encountered. Just like the alcoholic starts with the first beer, this may start innocently. They make an excuse for their spouse who can't show up due to being drunk/high/hung over (or maybe off in a bathhouse if they're a sex addict). Many have been this way since they were children. Most have done whatever they can to help their loved ones but helping has turned into "helping." Some of the most dangerous enablers are individuals who have attended some Al-Anon (12-step recovery) and feel they've graduated. These make the uneducated look like amatuers.
How does an addict get enablers? Usually they are family or spouses. In the typical model, dad drinks, mom enables or vice versa. Also, enablers are drawn to addicts like moths to a flame. Put an enabler and an addict in a room of 50 other people and they'll find each other. Addicts smell enablers and are sensational at luring them in. A sick enabler will pursue an addict saying "I don't know what it is, there's just something about him." They meet and are suddenly best friends. Practicing addict or in recovery, the enabler will find them.
What is actual enabling? Anything that allows the addict to continue their addiction. The enabler thinks they are helping. Ways to keep an addict from hitting bottom are shielding him from natural consequenses of his actions such as lying to cover embarrassing incidents, bailing the addict out financially. In more extreme cases, the enabler will do whatever they can to destroy people they deem a threat to the addict. Many an addict will use the enabler as an ATM or expect the enabler to pay his bills. It can be little things too--like racing home to make sure my addict got up for work on time. Enablers will help the addict project an image to the world that has little to do with who s/he actually is. This is partially done by co-signing the addict's bullshit.
The enabler has wonderful tools such as selective memory, denial and dissociation. In the weapons department, the enabler is expert at scapegoating and character assassionation. The enabler will callously hurt those around the addict to "protect" the addict and allow him/her to continue their addiction.
The very worst of enablers are the ones who have gone to a little Al-Anon and feel they've "graduated." If their qualifier has recovered and become healthy and they are still sick, they seek out other addicts to enable (without realizing it.) They will interfere in other people's relationships. "Mind your own business" is a common cry in this situation. They are the experts, dispensing unsolicited advice to the masses. An enabler in their cups will use every vicious tool at their disposal to scapegoat and character assassinate. Any information is a weapon. A war-weary spouse (who is not the primary enabler) will often be painted as sullen and withdrawn when they are in fact suffering from grief. Addicts manipulate enablers with carefully crafted pictures, mixing lies with the truth to make is believable. An outside enabler seldom has all the details. I've seen many a desperate spouse tackle an interloper with the truth--the result is usually the enabler redoubling their efforts.
Enablers aren't awful people, they are sick. Many started out wonderful, caring husbands/wives/brothers/sisters/children/friends. Just as the addict can recover, so can the enabler. "I can't just stop helping them, if I did, _____ will happen." Al-Anon can help you figure it out. Whatever situation an enabler thinks makes them terminally unique, someone in Al-Anon has been though it. Don't come to me for advice in this situation, I'll probably tell you to go to Al-Anon.
Enablers can seek recovery if they can no longer handle the addict. They can also seek recovery when the addict does. Best case scenario? Both enter their respective 12-step recovery programs and become usefully whole again. The addict's life is unmanagable but so is the enabler's.
One enabler I know went to her first Al-Anon meeting. She later reported back that a woman was "leaving her daughter to die." When she explained the situation, I tried to tell the enabler that the woman was doing the most loving thing she could, letting the girl hit bottom, and she had. The girl was a drug addict. Mom stopped giving her money and stopped bailing her out of jail. "Now she'll have a chance to recover," I said. The enabler never went to another meeting and continues to enable today. The damage her addict has done has been catastrophic and affected me personally. She will continue enabling until she or the addict are dead or someone gets recovery. In the meantime, the duo continue to move through the world like an F5 tornado, the enabler keeping gas in the addict's tank, clearing all the obstacles, patching up the boo-boos. It's insanity.
My first friend to die in AA was an awesome, entertaining queen who was also the first person I ever knew who was enabled to death.
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The reward of sobriety isn't a Mercedes or the spouse or a fancy vacation. It's freedom. I grew slowly in sobriety. I wanted to drink and use every day for the first 2 years. I got a lot of flack for sharing this in meetings. It was right about this time I had my "spiritual awakening," as we call it in recovery. I was walking down the street and then suddenly got the feeling like shackles were falling away. "I'm free!" I yelled. Yes, out loud. I knew I had something a million bucks couldn't buy. I was sober and I was free. I was comfortable in my skin. I could go wherever I wanted. Sobriety wasn't just a room with chairs and sayings on the wall. Sobriety was me. I've had lots of cool cars, vacations, idyllic home life and all that jazz--but they didn't last forever.
My fallen comrades had good lives and most of them had freedom at one time. Someone told me in early sobriety that watching people "go out" or die would get easier. No. My best friend's suicide (23 years sober) in June 2012 followed by watching my husband losing his double-digit sobriety less than 3 months later (after a prolonged struggle with another addiction) nearly did me in. I started thinking about Jack Daniels and I hadn't for a very long time. Bottles of JD look sexy in the right light--or that's what a drunk like me will tell you. But I didn't drink. I got through the devastating heartbreak by doing what I'd been taught--I went to meetings every day. I also learned who my real friends were.
So what am I going to do this year? Grow my business, buy a car with a back seat and go on a great vacation involving sand and waves and warm water. And go to midnight meetings on Robertson. Beyond that, we'll see.
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