Don't make me buy a new car!

I need something with a back seat. Clients. Plus my dogs are getting too old to have to squeeze into the back of a 2-seater. So my passengers are significantly "impressed," I need a newer model. As I survey the field of beige, I'm not sure what that is going to be.

I'm lucky to have a job that allows me to drive really nice cars that don't belong to me. I get a sampling, if you will of the cream of the crop of new cars. A couple years ago, we were loaned half a dozen Ford Fusion "special edition" models. The dealerships didn't even have them yet. There was much hoopla and I was given one to drive for the day. The only reason I even remember the car is because of the uproar I caused on Twitter when I expressed my feelings about its "award-winning design" (beige guppy face, same as everything from new Jags to Hyundais) and lackluster performance. Like pretty much every new car I've driven, it felt like it would last the life of its lease, a brief fling with an abusive owner and then the crusher. I attracted the venom of a couple people who worked for Ford who thrust their blue ribbons in my face. I'd just turned in a rent-a-Hyundai and frankly I couldn't tell the difference. In 10 years, no one will remember it, like all these crossovers, was ever made. We used to make crossovers 30 years ago but no one remembers. Don't believe me? Yeah, it's because none are on the road anymore.

Earlier this evening I was driving another car that doesn't belong to me, a 2013 Mercedes-Benz S500. Are these beige? Not really, but they don't have as much personality as they ought to. Granted, it's like driving a rocket powered cloud and new it fetched north of 100 grand. Yes, it's better than other cars but so much is missing that could make it truly great, things that are considered "unsafe" or "toxic" or somehow hazardous to our health or 2014 beige-ness. It's a rich man's ride, nice looking but there's something I'd rather have. You could buy 5 of them for the price of a new one.

Witness the 1969 Mercedes-Benz 300SEL 6.9. These were hand-built just like a Rolls Royce, rode like a limousine thanks to air suspension and can keep up with the $100,000 modern S-Class I was driving earlier. Could you take it on a cross-country trip? Absolutely! Durability of a well-maintained Benz is astounding. Does it have chintzy little plastic light covers and chrome-covered plastic like the new S-Class? NOPE! Every last piece on this car is beautiful and solid from the bumpers to the seat stitching. Would I buy a new S-Class if I could afford one? No, I'd rather have one of these. I'd use the rest of the money for a down payment on a loft. Driving the S500 is awesome but the thrill wears off quickly. After a while you reach its limits and wish for something even fancier. A classic Benz like this one makes the driver and passengers feel like royalty.

I bought a new car once. I did it because I fell in love with it and had to have it--my Mustang GT. Aside from the rubber bumpers and air bags, it was a red-hot muscle car. I'm glad I bought it and enjoyed it for 4 years. The upcoming 2015 Mustang is the only new car I'm excited about. I like Challengers but it's hard to throw a rock and not hit one in Los Angeles.

This blog was prompted earlier when I stumbled upon this fanfukkentastic custom '59 Cadillac Eldorado convertible. Even if I squint, I know it's a '59, not a '58 or a '60.

All the switches and gauges and levers and shit are in the same place no matter what car you slide into. When it comes to most new cars that make people squeal, I feel like the kid who showed up to school on Saturday. Is that the right metaphor? There are a few cars that look different. Like the Challenger and 'Stangs and Smart Cars. My favorite of all the new cars is this electric Fisker, but the manufacturer is basically out of business. Even though I love BMWs so much I've owned 4, I'm not thrilled with their new styling direction. Bigger and porkier every model cycle, just like everyone else. Our asses keep growing and so do our cars. Mercedes look sharp but not enough to ju$tify the price. Where does that leave me and my quest for a back seat? Probably another well-kept Mercedes sedan, one old enough that it was still made in Germany. I'll save my pennies and maybe one day I'll get my 1969ish 300sel. Note: when buying a used German car, NEVER buy a fixer-upper, you'll spend a fortune. Find one already done. I think I'll go to sleep tonight thinking of a gleaming 560SEL. Over-engineered like nothing ever will be again, these German built tanks fetched about $130,000 in 2014 dollars. Chassis are built to last a million miles, I just ran into one with 540k on the clock, just like the one in the picture and still gorgeous. Ah, they don't make 'em like they used to.

I will also dream of gorgeous dashboards like this 1941 Cadillac. Note no plastic with printed on seams.