Addiction...Killing Humans since ????

My 2nd cousin Tessabelle (I swear, that was her real name!) and I had the same argument from the time I was young until the last time I saw her, a few years before her death at age 92. It would start when the subject of alcoholism/addiction would come up.

Me: "It's a disease!"
Her: "It's a choice!"

We had this argument for years. I never had any ammo, only what I'd learned in college classes...and of course the ocean of personal experience; my own and growing up in a family rife with addicts.

I later returned to college, majoring in Alcohol/Drug Studies, eventually becoming a substance abuse counselor. I finally got some ammo to use against 'ol Cousin Tess: Some lab rats will take drugs and alcohol over food and water and continue to do so until they die. And that's exactly what addicts do.

For me, in the beginning it was a choice...until it wasn't anymore. One night and I don't remember exactly when...I realized I'd lost my job, my home, my family and my self-respect. Soon after that, my looks went and then my sanity. Old ladies would cross the street to avoid me. Women would gather up their children. I was hearing voices. But I could still pull it together, more or less, if I had to. If you're not an addict and you don't know what I'm talking about, I ask you to not judge us until you've walked a mile in our shoes.

Our behavior is despicable and we hurt everyone around us, you say? You're right. The addict affects everyone around them. Some people bail, some love us but "stay well back," (stole that one from MJ) and others go on a mission to "save" us. These are the enablers. Left to their own devices, they won't stop until we are dead. What is an enabler? Simply someone who repeatedly shields the addict from the consequenses of their actions. Many are well-meaning and often manipulated by the addict to give them money, yadda yadda.

So what about fucking Amy Winehouse? Why should I care? I cried this morning. But it wasn't for "loss of an idol," because I don't believe the chick deserves to be canonized. The loss is watching the disease of addiction claim one of my sisters. I was as bad as she was. And she was loaded with talent. Had she gotten and stayed clean, she could have influenced others to do the same. It works that way.

We can wonder what Amy Winehouse would have been like if she'd gotten clean. I'll give you a clue. Years ago, a young woman was enchanted by Janis Joplin. She emulated her style of dress, her singing, her stage presence...and even performed on the same stage she did. This young lady scored a record deal and then another, became world famous and became hopelessly addicted to drugs. Did she die? No. She cleaned up and is still performing today, at the age of 63. And she's still beautiful. Her name is Stevie Nicks.

I've known addict celebrities and I've watched them die. I've had varying reactions from "oh, how sad," to, in one case, being absolutely devastated. It's amazing the lengths managers, families, agents and handlers will go to enable the addict and keep them going. Because they need them.

River Phoenix was supporting 30 people when he died. Everyone around him was in denial. At the time, I was doing the same thing he was, except I of course wasn't famous. I was supposed to be at the Viper Room that night, but that's a whole other blog, ending in "I'm here and he isn't," or something like that. Is he an idol? No. He was a nice, idealistic boy who came across as naive and genuine in person. He was also an addict who's dead because he did something stupid. About 4 months after he OD'd on snorting some Peruvian Brown (heroin) on top of the ton of cocaine he'd done earlier, I OD'd on some crystal meth cut with heroin. Only I lived. Had he not ingested what he did that night, he wouldn't have died. Can I picture him at 41? You better believe it. The "It was mean to be" people can go fuck themselves.

Corey Haim never stood still long enough for me to talk to him. He was terrified people would figure out he was gay and dealt with it by snorting pounds of coke...chain smoking, pacing, biting his nails. I never thought he was terribly gifted but wanted to grab him and shake him and say, "dude, you're OK the way you are!" He seemed to be moving fast enough that nobody could catch him. Face as pretty as a girl's, gnarly hands. I met him when I was 23 and at the time I thought he'd be dead within 5 years. He suffered a lot longer.

12-step recovery saved me, along with my enablers letting go and slamming doors in my face. I had nobody to support, I couldn't even support myself. No family, no leeches, no nada. As I've met many, many celebs, I can tell you that they are just people. And many of them are lost, especially the young ones. I have a vivid memory of a child star whose show I watched religiously begging me to find him some cocaine. It was sad because the guy was an incredible actor but he wasn't a kid anymore...and we all know how that works out for child actors.

The next time a celebrity dies, let it remind you of the scores of others suffering from addiction, both the addict and their loved ones. The "how" is beyond the scope of this blog but I'm always willing to help anyone who wants to know.

I know celebrities and "normal people" who are so-called "functioning" addicts. I know others who are stuck in the worst hell I can imagine, can't get clean and can't die.

I've been clean now since September 14, 1995. They told me in the beginning that eveything about me would change. My goal before that was to be dead at 27 like Janis, Jimi, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Turned out 27 was my first sober birthday, celebrated in rehab. I met Heidi Fleiss that day. I made my amends and have done my best since to live an esteemable life and enjoy my new freedom.

Please send positive vibes to Amy's family, I can't imagine the pain they're in right now.